Whether you are cleaning out your closet, your shed or even your filing it can be hard to throw things out. Why? It's comfortable and familiar; We might need it some day; It cost a lot of money, who cares if it doesn't fit anymore! Out with the old and in with the new - it's not as easy as it sounds. Or, is it?

It's amazing just how much of a challenge it can be sometimes just to get rid of something we no longer really need. Oh we think we need it, but if we take the time to look close enough or hard enough we know we don't. The same is true of our habits.

“The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.” ~Samuel Johnson

It's somewhat easier to think of bad habits when it comes to our health - smoking, eating too much junk food, driving when you could walk etc. What about other habits like - Always cutting someone because you think you 'know' what they are going to say? Being prepared to be angry at someone because you just know at some point they will do something to upset you? Always being late because you have things to do and others can wait? Constantly working through lunch instead of taking a break? Putting yourself down to others all the time? These are all habits because they are automatic reactions or actions.

Like cleaning out your closet, shed or filing it's good to take stock of your habits. Look at some of the ones you are hanging on to because they make you feel safe and the ones that really don't serve you anymore. What habits do you have that it's time to throw out? What will it take for you to create a new habit in it's place?

"Power is the faculty or capacity to act, the strength and potency to accomplish something. It is the vital energy to make choices and decisions. It also includes the capacity to overcome deeply embedded habits and to cultivate higher, more effective ones." ~ Stephen R. Covey

I'm one of those people who don't like to think about things going wrong. That doesn't mean I don't consider the risks. Am I an optimist? A realist? Naive? Perhaps. I figure if I start something thinking I will fail then I surely will and I may as well not start it at all. I also believe that things happen for a reason, even when it's not something good. It might take a while to find out what that is and sometimes I may never figure it out.

When something goes wrong we have a number ways we can handle it. We can - Give up; try again; get mad; get even; get discouraged; get encouraged; etc. Sometimes we might have different responses for different situations e.g. we might be encouraged when something goes wrong when we are experimenting with cooking and we might get discouraged when we get knocked back when presenting an idea we have. It depends a lot on how invested we are in the situation or outcome (e.g. 'our idea') and how much 'failure' we choose to tolerate in order to succeed (e.g. cooking).

What we do when things go wrong says a lot about us - How we pick ourselves up and keep moving forward; How we learn from our experience. We learn more about ourself and others from what we do when things go wrong then when they go right. Not doing things because we are more worried about what could wrong versus what happens if it all goes well says even more about us.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while DARING GREATLY so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory or defeat. ~ Theodore Roosevelt

We've all had those moments where we are talking away and suddenly we get a reaction we weren't expecting. That reaction could be the other person - switching off, looking angry or distracted, a sudden verbal attack, silence when you expected a response, etc. And in these moments you are left wondering - what just happened? What did I say or do to get that reaction?

"Speech is the mirror of the soul; as a man speaks, so he is." ~ Publilius Syrus

Let me share an example of words that irritate me - 'should' and 'but'. When I hear the word should as in 'you should....' the hair on the back of my neck stands. Seems like a pretty innocent word, perhaps even one you use all the time to motivate yourself e.g. 'I should get out of bed now so I get in some exercise before work' or 'I should finish this paperwork so I can start on my new project'. So why does it have that reaction for me? Well for me the word implies - I hadn't had the sense to think of it, or that I'm incapable of figuring it out etc. Strange, I know, that words can have such different impacts on us. I'd rather hear words like 'need' or 'want'.

The word 'but' is possibly a more common irritant - 'yes, but..' or 'good, but..' it just makes me feel inadequate somehow.I'd much rather have the 'but' replaced with 'and'. Does it change the intent of the person communicating maybe, maybe not. It does change how I respond and communication is the response that it gets.

Of course it could be that I'm just some freak of nature that is too sensitive. The thing is we all use language that we motivates and engages us, we just assume it will have the same impact on others. Sometimes it will. Next time you seem to get someone agitated when you weren't expecting too, think about your choice of words. How does it compare with the words the other person uses? Can you notice the 'offending' words?

Does this mean you have to change the way you speak? It depends how important the relationship is and whether you are happy with communication. If the word 'should' motivates you that means that's the word you want to hear when others communicate with you. To motivate others (or not aggravate them), finding words they respond well too may make all the difference.

Given, communication is one of the biggest reasons relationships (business, friends, family, partners, children) fail - it's food for thought.

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." ~ Dorothy Nevill

I have lost count of the number of times I have heard people say to me 'my boss says I need to be more strategic' or that they got feedback suggesting they were 'great at executing plans, building teamwork  or developing their people, but are just not strategic enough.' What does that really mean? The people giving the feedback are well intended, the problem is the people receiving the feedback aren't clear about what specifically they need to change.

There are at least two elements to being strategic - strategic action i.e. what you do, how you behave; and strategic planning i.e. what you think and what you know. These are quite different. So the first thing I get people to do is to find out which area they need to improve on by requesting more specific feedback and examples of where they were expected to demonstrate this or an example of what someone else has done.

Strategic planning - learn about your business, customers, consumers, your link and impact on other parts of the business, products, processes, etc. Everyone should do this because no one can work and succeed in a vacuum. The thinking part is about looking for patterns and connections; considering both long term and short term impact; understand implications not just from your own shoes but the shoes of your boss or customer or other functions etc. it's about perspective and looking at the bigger picture.

Strategic action - Have you developed and shared your vision? Are you creating long term plans that you and your team can build action around and make plans? Are you communicating what you know and what you think and the basis for them?

“Strategic planning is worthless -- unless there is first a strategic vision.” ~ John Naisbitt

We've all been in this situation. We have a problem, a project, an idea etc. that we share we people and suddenly we have a whole range of opinions, suggestions, reasons why we should o should not proceed etc. Most of them given by well-meaning friends, family or colleagues. What do you do with it all? How do you manage them without offending? This can be tricky.

 “A good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with.” ~ Kenneth A. Wells

That's the first thing we can do - listen to what others have to say, be curious about where the intent, ask questions to clarify and understand. 

The next thing to consider might be how what you have heard fits with the outcome you want. Perhaps the opinion itself may not hold anything of value but what you gather from your questions might give you new information or a perspective you had not thought of before.

This is pretty straight forward, you probably do this all the time. The tricky part, I find, is when you disagree or when opinions that have no basis in fact or that there can be action for, just keep coming repeatedly. They might even start to get in the way of you making progress.

I haven't found a single way of handling this. The reason is because there is usually a different reason people give their opinion - they have had a 'similar' previous experience; they just want to be heard; they believe giving you an opinion is their 'value-add' to the situation or your development; etc. You might get this understanding when you ask questions but you also may not.

What do you do then? Some things that I've tried:

- Thank them for their input. Sometimes I add that I will consider what they have said

- When opinions and ideas are about things that 'should have or could have' happened i.e. it is about the past. I get them refocused on the present and what we can influence or can control.

- Clarify the outcome/objective/goal and ask for ideas and opinions to be focused on that

- When someone is trying to be heard or feel included I try and find them a role or have them come back with facts/action etc. to support their opinion or ideas.

What do you do?

“The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a wide-spread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible” ~ Bertrand Russell

How is it that we can have the patience of a saint in one situation and then can completely lose it in others? Patience is the acceptance or tolerance of a situation. Pretty straight forward in it's definition. It implies self-control and discipline. Skills that most of us have in at least come part of our lives. Perhaps we are really patient with children and not so much with spouses. Or maybe we are really patient with our employees but not with our bosses or colleagues. Sometimes we are patient when it comes to waiting in line but not we we are stuck in traffic. Why is that?

I know for example I am very patient when it comes to teaching someone something new or explaining an idea or concept but then there are situations when that just goes completely out the window. So I know that I know how to be patient, I'm not lacking that skill, so why can't I be consistent? What triggers the difference? One thing I can think of is - expectations.

For example I have an expectation that I will get a good level of service from banks that have had my money for many years or for telco providers that tout service as a key differential to competitors with cheaper plans. When I don't get even the basis of service, let alone flexibility I tend to lose my patience. Is it wrong to have this expectation? No. Do I have a right to be unhappy or even frustrated by the service. Yes. Is it wrong for me to lose my patience with the customer service rep? Probably. It doesn't do me any good it just makes the whole experience less pleasant. The service rep just shrugs it off and moves on to the next call while I'm left chewing over it. Who suffers? I do.

What should I do? Meditate? Take a deep breath? Count to 10? Possibly. The one thing I certainly know I can do is to remember what's important. Or as Richard Carlson says: "Don't sweat the small stuff". In other words step back and put things into perspective.

Perhaps patience is a journey where we are continually tested along the way. Maybe it's about practice and continuing to recognise the triggers. Or Maybe it's a virtue that only 'Job' had.

What are your thoughts?

Below is a story from the internet, the author is unknown that I thought was worthwhile sharing.

'One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.

With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!'

What lessons can be learned from this story? It's probably different for everybody but for me what I get is:

- No matter how bad things look or feel there is a solution just waiting for us to find

- We can accept what seems to be our 'fate' or we can step up and out of trouble with creativity and perseverance

- There are times in our lives when we feel things just keep piling up on us, we can let them 'bury' us or we can fight our way out

What do you get from this story?

"The poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream." ~ Harry Kemp 

Why is it important to have a dream? These are the dreams we have during the day, not the ones when we are sleeping. Dreams give us hope, something to strive toward. They can lift us out of a rut and get us focused when our thoughts stray. Some may say however that they are simply delusions or unrealistic fantasy, and they can be.

John C. Maxwell describes a 'good' dream like this: 'a good dream is an inspiring picture of the future that energizes your mind, will, and emotions, empowering you to do everything you can to achieve it.' That last part is a critical difference versus unrealistic fantasy. He goes on to say that, 'a dream worth pursuing is a picture and blueprint of a person's purpose and potential.'

Does your dream fit this description? For example dreaming that one day you might win lottery probably does not fit the bill even though you can have a strategy to play every week, buy a certain amount of tickets from a particular location etc. The bottom line is that it is not within your control, winning is more about chance then strategy and action.

If you have a dream are you doing what you need to do to bring it closer to reality? Does the dream compel you to take action? Do you have plans to move you closer to your dream? Are you motivated by every action you take that moves you closer to your dream? Are you depending on things that are within your control (skills you have or can get, planning, taking action, enlisting the help of others, etc.) to achieve your dream?

If the answer to any of those questions is no then either your dream is not really your dream, it's not a dream you really want to become a reality or you are not doing what you need to do to keep it alive. Which is it for you? What are you going to do about it?

"The Dream is not what you see in sleep, dream is which does not let you sleep." ~ Abdul Kalam 

When someone says 'She/he has got potential' what exactly does that mean? It usually means they have or show signs of being able to develop further in the future. Does that mean we all have potential? I guess it depends. I mean, I have the potential to have my own successful business because of the skills and experience I have gained and because of new ones that I have acquired. However, I don't think I have the potential to be the number 1 ranked women's tennis player in the world, no matter what skills I try to acquire!

In what aspects of your life or career do you have potential? Are you living up to your potential? Perhaps your potential is untapped, unexplored or maybe you've even buried it believing that it wont help you or make you enough money etc. to pursue.

For us to deliver on the potential we have we must take action, we can't expect to just be successful because we have it. So, what do you need to do to live up to your potential? Acquire new skills? Get more of the (right) experiences? Find resources and others who can help you? Sounds pretty straight-forward but how do you control that when you work for someone else or in a big company that has many people who have potential? It's perhaps easier to get the technical skills through enrolling in training (internally or externally), but what of the experiences and the on-the-job skills you need? How do you get them and will you get them in the time-frame you have set for yourself?

It helps if you are clear on what you want and what you need and that others are in agreement. It helps also if you are prepared to be flexible about how and when you get what you need. For example you may believe that the only way for you to get experience and skills managing a diverse team is to be the boss of a team like that. Perhaps though you can get that experience and more from being in charge of a project where you need to influence people to help you rather than them help you because you are their boss?

To unleash your potential be clear on what you need, who can help, how you can get what you need. Above all remain focused on the outcome you want and flexible on the ways you can get there!

"The potential of the average person is like a huge ocean unsailed, a new continent unexplored, a world of possibilities waiting to be released and channeled toward some great good." ~ Brian Tracy 

Have you ever heard the expression 'You get what you focus on' or 'Where you focus goes your energy flows'? Think about it for a moment. It's true. I was out shopping between Christmas and New Year and the crowds were big. Someone bumped into me then a stroller clipped the back of my heal. I was not happy but because I was focusing on the crowd and people bumping into me it just kept happen and I kept noticing it happening to others because I was focused on it. Now would there still have been the jostling? Sure, but it wouldn't have bothered me so much and I would have had more energy to focus on the task at hand - Sales!

The same is true for many other things e.g. when someone at work rubs us the wrong way or we just can't seem to solve a problem etc. People around us then do one of two things - they agree with us and fuel our frustration or, they tell us to just forget about it or let it go. The former solution just serves to keep our attention focused on the problem which just makes us more frustrated. Obviously the last one is the better choice because we can free ourselves to keep moving forward.

So why dwell on something you can't change? We can't change what has happened so why do we waste so much energy on these things? Because we think the other person should feel bad about what they have done? Or we want to punish them in some way? The thing is they have forgotten about it or maybe didn't even realise the impact they had in the first place. So who is really 'paying the price'? We are for holding on. We feel miserable and frustrated, we lose focus on other important things and people. And the 'offender'? Well they are happily moving on with their day.

So next time you feel yourself giving way too much energy to something you can't change, take a deep breath and let it go! Take control of your reaction and where you spend your energy. Because the same is true when we give our attention to positive things - we are more productive, more successful and happier.

Food for thought..

"It is wise to direct your anger towards problems - not people; to focus your energies on answers - not excuses." ~ William Ward