We've all had those moments where we are talking away and suddenly we get a reaction we weren't expecting. That reaction could be the other person - switching off, looking angry or distracted, a sudden verbal attack, silence when you expected a response, etc. And in these moments you are left wondering - what just happened? What did I say or do to get that reaction?

"Speech is the mirror of the soul; as a man speaks, so he is." ~ Publilius Syrus

Let me share an example of words that irritate me - 'should' and 'but'. When I hear the word should as in 'you should....' the hair on the back of my neck stands. Seems like a pretty innocent word, perhaps even one you use all the time to motivate yourself e.g. 'I should get out of bed now so I get in some exercise before work' or 'I should finish this paperwork so I can start on my new project'. So why does it have that reaction for me? Well for me the word implies - I hadn't had the sense to think of it, or that I'm incapable of figuring it out etc. Strange, I know, that words can have such different impacts on us. I'd rather hear words like 'need' or 'want'.

The word 'but' is possibly a more common irritant - 'yes, but..' or 'good, but..' it just makes me feel inadequate somehow.I'd much rather have the 'but' replaced with 'and'. Does it change the intent of the person communicating maybe, maybe not. It does change how I respond and communication is the response that it gets.

Of course it could be that I'm just some freak of nature that is too sensitive. The thing is we all use language that we motivates and engages us, we just assume it will have the same impact on others. Sometimes it will. Next time you seem to get someone agitated when you weren't expecting too, think about your choice of words. How does it compare with the words the other person uses? Can you notice the 'offending' words?

Does this mean you have to change the way you speak? It depends how important the relationship is and whether you are happy with communication. If the word 'should' motivates you that means that's the word you want to hear when others communicate with you. To motivate others (or not aggravate them), finding words they respond well too may make all the difference.

Given, communication is one of the biggest reasons relationships (business, friends, family, partners, children) fail - it's food for thought.

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." ~ Dorothy Nevill