Have you ever thought, believed even, that you were behaving in a specific way only to have it pointed out that your language and actions say something different? It can be unsettling.

Here is an example. At work you have a small team of people working for you. You feel like you are stepping up to be a leader. You feel like you stand out from the crowd and that you are happy to tell others how things need to be to create success. Then someone points out to you that what they see is that you keep giving in to what the group wants and that for you it's more about the relationships you have versus really challenging the way things are done.

What's wrong with that? Nothing if you are achieving what you want and aren't feeling frustrated. If you are in a position of leadership though, your team might feel very frustrated because they could feel you say one thing and then you end up just going along with everybody else.

Why do we do this (be influenced by others vs having your own opinion and not caring whether others agree)? Because what you really want is to feel like you belong. In contrast, stepping into that other role as leader, your biggest fear is no longer about not belonging it is now about being respected. To behave the way you think you are (in this example) you need to get comfortable with having your own voice, your own identity as a leader. 

Is it worth it to risk your biggest fear being realised? Only you can decide that. Ask yourself this - what is it costing you to stay where you are and behaving the way you do?

So are you behaving the way you think you are? How can you know? Get feedback!
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Some might consider this a paradox, absurd to believe you can be humble and self-promote at the same time, I'm not so sure. Maybe they can co-exist, maybe it's about how you go about it or the intent you have?

“Humility is the only true wisdom by which we prepare our minds for all the possible changes of life.” ~ George Arliss

As George points out humility or believing you always have more to learn allows us to accept feedback and make changes. If we have enough humility to own our mistakes people respect us. It's clearly a good trait to have as an individual and as a leader.

On the other hand if we do not self-promote how will people know what we do or even that we exist? If you are a business owner it is essential to promote your business which if you offer a service basically means promoting yourself.You could have a fantastic service, book etc. but if know one knows where to find you then you might not be in business for long.

If you are part of an organisation, particularly a large organisation the same is true. It's very competitive, fewer promotions available, less money for salary increases etc. how do you set yourself apart and let people know you exist? When you interviewed for the position in the first place you were in fact self-promoting, why would that change after you join?

One school of thought might argue that results and the way you achieve them should be enough and that's true when it reinforces what people already know about you. It gives you sponsors and supporters within a company and testimonials and referrals when you have your own business. Will it be enough?

“To establish oneself in the world, one does all one can to seem established there already.” ~ François La Rochefoucauld, Duc De

Perhaps it is a case of being humble when it comes to your leadership style and accepting accolades about what you have achieved etc. Perhaps there comes a time in your business or career that you are a 'known quantity' or achieved what you wanted so there is no need to self-promote. Perhaps it is a great big balancing act.

What do you think?

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When we avoid tough situations or potential conflict we could be inadvertently reinforcing or supporting the exact thing we don't want! You've probably see this happen, or maybe you've even done it yourself. Instead of calling someone on their behaviour or lack of action or poor choice etc. you keep quite telling yourself - 'it's not worth the aggravation' or 'it's not worth upsetting them, they're probably just having a bad day' or one of a long list of other reasons not to deal with it.

The problem with this approach is that if the individual doesn't learn or make changes then they will repeat it. If there are still no consequences then they have 'proof' that whatever it is they are doing is perfectly acceptable. One day soon you are left looking back and wondering what happened and why things are the way they are when it's clearly not what you want or need.

If you are a manager (parent, sports coach etc.) then you might believe that your actions (or inaction) will keep the peace or maybe you just don't know how to approach or deal with the situation. If that's the case then consider this: “Managing conflict is like riding a bicycle, all you need is balance and practice, practice, practice.” ~ Unknown It's not always easy and sometimes it's not very pleasant but everybody wins when you deal with these tough situations constructively.

Robert Townsend said: "One of the most important tasks of a manager is to eliminate his people's excuses for failure." If you believe this then you have to also believe that avoiding tough situations or potential conflict is not in the best interest of the other person or in the case of an organisation it's not in the best interest of the company or the other employees.

An organisations culture and individuals attitude is greatly impacted by not dealing with tough situations. Business suffers - low productivity and morale, high turnover of staff, poor business results etc.; Individuals suffer - their career is adversely impacted at some point because one day they will either get called on their behaviour/action or they will be in charge and unable to get the results they need.

Newton said that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. What are the unintended consequences of actively avoiding a tough situation you have?

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Love it, hate it, avoid it, look for it or manage it. We all deal with conflict in different ways.Some times it even depends on the situation or who the conflict is with that has us handle it differently. Consider this from William James: “Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

That's the thing that helps us decide how we deal with conflict - the relationship and how it will be impacted. When we have a good relationship or are developing one we'll typically avoid conflict unless we believe it is strong enough to withstand some conflict.The trouble with this is that things are never perfect and conflict is always just around the corner.

Avoiding conflict is merely a temporary resolution but it does have an impact. If you avoid conflict you are probably bottling up some frustration and maybe even anger. The only one 'hurt' in this scenario is you since the other person is oblivious. Dealing with conflict is something we all have to learn how to do at some point.

How do you with conflict?

- Keep your emotions in check. This is the hardest part, when you can do this the rest is easy, it just takes practice.

- Find common ground. When things go wrong it's usually in the details. There is often something bigger that you can agree on. For example you might both agree that having a budget is financially wise. You may disagree on what's in the budget, how flexible the budget is, who manages the budget etc. So go back to the common ground - 'We both agree that a budget is a good thing' or 'We both agree we need to save $x by yy'

- Step down in the details. When you get stuck ask questions (NOT 'Why' questions - they make us defensive) to clarify and understand what the other person is wanting achieve.

- Be flexible. Is there a solution where you both get what you need (notice I didn't say want!). For example maybe you need to believe the other person is committed to budgeting and saving and maybe the other person needs to feel they have just a little control over some the choices for spending.

What do you do to manage conflict?

“The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.” ~ Carl Gustav Jung

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How is it possible to be both bored and busy at the same time?  You would think being busy means that you are working to achieve some outcome, some goal. If that is the case then it's hard to fathom being bored. Except of course if the goal is not your own or you can't buy into it, then it's just about doing things because you 'have to'.

Lou Holtz (American Football Coach) said: “If you’re bored with life – you don’t get up every morning with a burning desire to do things – you don’t have enough goals.” I think he might be on to something.

When you work for someone else you usually continue to do it because you either buy into the goals of the company or you have your own goals you want to achieve which are complimentary - a certain position in the company, a certain level of pay, learning certain skills etc. When you work for yourself it's the same you have goals you want the business to achieve and goals you personally want to achieve. So if when we get bored could it be we feel like we have achieved our goals or maybe the goals aren't challenging enough.

What happens then? Set new goals! Even when you are working for someone else you can set new and challenging goals, don't wait for the boss to do it for you. They probably feel like their goals are challenging enough and assume the same is true for you. It really is up to each of us to find a way through the boredom.

Today I am setting myself some new goals. I refuse to be bored! What will you do when you find you are bored?

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” ~ Dorothy Parker

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What's the difference between someone who is successful or forging ahead with an idea or plan and someone who accepts what they have (perhaps wishing for something else?) or is reluctant to take a chance on something new? Is it skill? Money? Networks? Lack of ideas? Maybe. Maybe some of these, maybe all of them.

Or perhaps it's something else like confidence and patience? The confidence in oneself to just go for it and the patience to stick with it when it doesn't go according to plan or as fast as you'd like it to be.

“Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.“ ~ Brian Adams

Does Brian have it right? Confidence in this context is not about ego or starting something on a whim. I'm talking about all of us who have a goal, maybe even the start of a plan. Perhaps we have even talked with or know who to talk to get a better handle on the risks and what it would take to make it work. But we haven't taken that step, that leap of faith in ourselves.

Confidence is a fickle friend. You only have to look at great sports people to see how confidence shows up for them. One minute they are on top of the world and the next they are struggling to keep up. They haven't lost their skills, they just can't find them when they need them. The self doubt creeps in and in the blink of eye, it's gone. The thing about great sports people though is that they keep coming back. They have patience and they do whatever they have to do to get back to their best.

Confidence is a state of mind. Something we can all control. We can decide to listen to our inner negative thoughts and to the 'naysayers' or we can choose to move through it by creating new positive thoughts and surrounding ourselves with people who lift us up.

“The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” ~ William James

 

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I've spoken to so many people lately that are finding things really tough. At work things feel out of control - too much work; too many priorities and sometimes conflicting; and not enough resources, in fact people are leaving and not being replaced or it's just taking a long time to replace them. When they do get replaced they take a long time to get up to speed. It's a vicious cycle and it can put a lot of tension in the 'system'.

Where do you start? What can you do? A lot of the things that are happening are outside of your control even though they impact you significantly.The pressure is getting to you and it's starting to show. Add to that your motivation is low and you have people reporting to you or counting on you.

All in all it's not a pretty picture. Yet here you are. Consider what Rudyard Kipling said in his poem 'If': “If you can keep your wits about you while all others are losing theirs, and blaming you. . . . The world will be yours and everything in it, what's more, you'll be a man, my son.” It sounds easier said, then done. What I get out of this quote is is to stand tall, be confident, be accountable for what you can do and take responsibility to bring calm to the situation. Am I reading too much into it? Perhaps.

If you do all of this, is it enough or do you just end up taking on too much, working too many extra hours and eventually wind up where you started only more frustrated, tired and less likely to want to 'be a man'. Possible, especially if you take accountability and responsibility for things others need to. It's not about rescuing others, an easy trap to fall into.

It's about setting boundaries, like most things. Do what you can and maybe a little more, for a while. But doing it with clear goals in mind - an end point to the extra role for example; or until someone new has learned enough to take over. We all need to set and respect boundaries. Some times our boundaries get stretched and tested but they are still there.

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Albert Einstein said: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So why is it that sometimes we can learn from what we have done and other times we just do the insane?

Strange isn't it. Do we just hope that the outcome was just a fluke and that surely if we do (or say) it again the outcome will change. Are we attached to the outcome that much that we simply can't believe it didn't go the way we thought it would? Perhaps it's just habit? Or maybe we just don't know how to change?

It seems no one is immune to this phenomena. Politicians get ousted as leader of their party only to later try and topple the very person, with the same team behind them.  Children keep asking, by whining, to stay up late of for their parents to buy them a new game. Parents keep insisting their kids eat certain vegetables that are always left on the plate.  Business leaders delegate change and complexity or are detached from the change yet they expect the changes to be made and better results. Yes, all sorts of people from all walks of life are prone to this type of insanity.

How do we make the insanity stop? One person at a time! That's right, it's up to each of us to break our own patterns and to help those we can, do the same. Try a different strategy/approach, you can't lose more than your sanity, right? Maybe you just need to tweak things a little or maybe you need to scrap it altogether and start fresh.

Where do you have something to learn? Start today and see how quickly your sanity returns!

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Whether you are cleaning out your closet, your shed or even your filing it can be hard to throw things out. Why? It's comfortable and familiar; We might need it some day; It cost a lot of money, who cares if it doesn't fit anymore! Out with the old and in with the new - it's not as easy as it sounds. Or, is it?

It's amazing just how much of a challenge it can be sometimes just to get rid of something we no longer really need. Oh we think we need it, but if we take the time to look close enough or hard enough we know we don't. The same is true of our habits.

“The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.” ~Samuel Johnson

It's somewhat easier to think of bad habits when it comes to our health - smoking, eating too much junk food, driving when you could walk etc. What about other habits like - Always cutting someone because you think you 'know' what they are going to say? Being prepared to be angry at someone because you just know at some point they will do something to upset you? Always being late because you have things to do and others can wait? Constantly working through lunch instead of taking a break? Putting yourself down to others all the time? These are all habits because they are automatic reactions or actions.

Like cleaning out your closet, shed or filing it's good to take stock of your habits. Look at some of the ones you are hanging on to because they make you feel safe and the ones that really don't serve you anymore. What habits do you have that it's time to throw out? What will it take for you to create a new habit in it's place?

"Power is the faculty or capacity to act, the strength and potency to accomplish something. It is the vital energy to make choices and decisions. It also includes the capacity to overcome deeply embedded habits and to cultivate higher, more effective ones." ~ Stephen R. Covey

 

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I'm one of those people who don't like to think about things going wrong. That doesn't mean I don't consider the risks. Am I an optimist? A realist? Naive? Perhaps. I figure if I start something thinking I will fail then I surely will and I may as well not start it at all. I also believe that things happen for a reason, even when it's not something good. It might take a while to find out what that is and sometimes I may never figure it out.

When something goes wrong we have a number ways we can handle it. We can - Give up; try again; get mad; get even; get discouraged; get encouraged; etc. Sometimes we might have different responses for different situations e.g. we might be encouraged when something goes wrong when we are experimenting with cooking and we might get discouraged when we get knocked back when presenting an idea we have. It depends a lot on how invested we are in the situation or outcome (e.g. 'our idea') and how much 'failure' we choose to tolerate in order to succeed (e.g. cooking).

What we do when things go wrong says a lot about us - How we pick ourselves up and keep moving forward; How we learn from our experience. We learn more about ourself and others from what we do when things go wrong then when they go right. Not doing things because we are more worried about what could wrong versus what happens if it all goes well says even more about us.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while DARING GREATLY so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory or defeat. ~ Theodore Roosevelt

 

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