Have you ever thought, believed even, that you were behaving in a specific way only to have it pointed out that your language and actions say something different? It can be unsettling.

Here is an example. At work you have a small team of people working for you. You feel like you are stepping up to be a leader. You feel like you stand out from the crowd and that you are happy to tell others how things need to be to create success. Then someone points out to you that what they see is that you keep giving in to what the group wants and that for you it's more about the relationships you have versus really challenging the way things are done.

What's wrong with that? Nothing if you are achieving what you want and aren't feeling frustrated. If you are in a position of leadership though, your team might feel very frustrated because they could feel you say one thing and then you end up just going along with everybody else.

Why do we do this (be influenced by others vs having your own opinion and not caring whether others agree)? Because what you really want is to feel like you belong. In contrast, stepping into that other role as leader, your biggest fear is no longer about not belonging it is now about being respected. To behave the way you think you are (in this example) you need to get comfortable with having your own voice, your own identity as a leader. 

Is it worth it to risk your biggest fear being realised? Only you can decide that. Ask yourself this - what is it costing you to stay where you are and behaving the way you do?

So are you behaving the way you think you are? How can you know? Get feedback!
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Our skills and knowledge have a shelf life otherwise there would be no need to learn, right? That being the case what do you choose to do? Reinvent yourself or evolve? Reinvention implies considerable change to the point you appear to be an entirely new person. Evolving is a more subtle gradual approach to making a change.

On some level we are always evolving, just look at technology and the way it has changed the way we work, communicate, interact and learn. Are you making a conscious choice to evolve in other areas? If you are a leader or a manager then the 'tried & tested' approach will only work for so long before you are unable to have the same impact or in fact become ineffective.

Have you heard of the 'Peter Principle'? It's a book from some 40 years ago where the famous main conclusion was 'In hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.' You've probably seen this happen or maybe you've even experienced it yourself where you were doing great in your role then you got promoted into a new role and you found yourself out of your depth. Would this principle still hold true if we continued to evolve or reinvent through new competencies?

I'm not sure whether the best choice is to evolve or to reinvent. Perhaps it depends on the need. If you find yourself in a role where you aren't as effective as you once were then maybe reinvention is the way to go. To avoid this situation altogether maybe constant evolution is the way to go.

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” ~ Charles Darwin

 

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What question do you ask yourself when you are deciding whether or not to do something? Maybe you have different questions for different situations - to eat less, to cut down smoking, to do the housework, to take the lead on something, to go the extra mile for a client or customer etc.

Two questions I often asked when I was working in my previous role were - If not me then who? If not now then when? I did a lot of work in change management so they were appropriate at the time. Some times I was leading a team and some times I was part of a team that was implementing change. When you lead a team of peers whom you have no authority over the trap can be that there could be a lot of consensus based decision-making. Not a bad approach in some situations but in many others it can be paralysing for a team. Hence the questions - If not me then who (will make or force a decision)? If not now when (will a decision be made)?

It occurred to me that these two questions are just as valid now that I have my own business as it was back then. Maybe they are even more important because if I don't decide what to do, when to do something or even how to do something I'll get stuck in procrastination or I just wont move forward.

These questions aren't about control, they are about taking charge of my destiny/future.

What questions do you ask yourself to make things happen? If you don't have a question right now, what would be a great question for you?

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Some might consider this a paradox, absurd to believe you can be humble and self-promote at the same time, I'm not so sure. Maybe they can co-exist, maybe it's about how you go about it or the intent you have?

“Humility is the only true wisdom by which we prepare our minds for all the possible changes of life.” ~ George Arliss

As George points out humility or believing you always have more to learn allows us to accept feedback and make changes. If we have enough humility to own our mistakes people respect us. It's clearly a good trait to have as an individual and as a leader.

On the other hand if we do not self-promote how will people know what we do or even that we exist? If you are a business owner it is essential to promote your business which if you offer a service basically means promoting yourself.You could have a fantastic service, book etc. but if know one knows where to find you then you might not be in business for long.

If you are part of an organisation, particularly a large organisation the same is true. It's very competitive, fewer promotions available, less money for salary increases etc. how do you set yourself apart and let people know you exist? When you interviewed for the position in the first place you were in fact self-promoting, why would that change after you join?

One school of thought might argue that results and the way you achieve them should be enough and that's true when it reinforces what people already know about you. It gives you sponsors and supporters within a company and testimonials and referrals when you have your own business. Will it be enough?

“To establish oneself in the world, one does all one can to seem established there already.” ~ François La Rochefoucauld, Duc De

Perhaps it is a case of being humble when it comes to your leadership style and accepting accolades about what you have achieved etc. Perhaps there comes a time in your business or career that you are a 'known quantity' or achieved what you wanted so there is no need to self-promote. Perhaps it is a great big balancing act.

What do you think?

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When we avoid tough situations or potential conflict we could be inadvertently reinforcing or supporting the exact thing we don't want! You've probably see this happen, or maybe you've even done it yourself. Instead of calling someone on their behaviour or lack of action or poor choice etc. you keep quite telling yourself - 'it's not worth the aggravation' or 'it's not worth upsetting them, they're probably just having a bad day' or one of a long list of other reasons not to deal with it.

The problem with this approach is that if the individual doesn't learn or make changes then they will repeat it. If there are still no consequences then they have 'proof' that whatever it is they are doing is perfectly acceptable. One day soon you are left looking back and wondering what happened and why things are the way they are when it's clearly not what you want or need.

If you are a manager (parent, sports coach etc.) then you might believe that your actions (or inaction) will keep the peace or maybe you just don't know how to approach or deal with the situation. If that's the case then consider this: “Managing conflict is like riding a bicycle, all you need is balance and practice, practice, practice.” ~ Unknown It's not always easy and sometimes it's not very pleasant but everybody wins when you deal with these tough situations constructively.

Robert Townsend said: "One of the most important tasks of a manager is to eliminate his people's excuses for failure." If you believe this then you have to also believe that avoiding tough situations or potential conflict is not in the best interest of the other person or in the case of an organisation it's not in the best interest of the company or the other employees.

An organisations culture and individuals attitude is greatly impacted by not dealing with tough situations. Business suffers - low productivity and morale, high turnover of staff, poor business results etc.; Individuals suffer - their career is adversely impacted at some point because one day they will either get called on their behaviour/action or they will be in charge and unable to get the results they need.

Newton said that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. What are the unintended consequences of actively avoiding a tough situation you have?

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It seems at the moment there is a lot of 'stress in the air'. Stress at work to perform and deliver more with less. Stress in the home to make the finances stretch further and cut spending. Stress at school and University for students to out perform others, work and study so they get a head start in a tight employment market. It seems to be everywhere and affecting many people.

There are many different things you can do to reduce your stress - meditate, yoga, take a deep breath, exercise, drink more water and less coffee, take a short walk outside, get a massage, take a short time out, picture yourself relaxed or even focusing on something in your environment.

Some of these things are quick and easy to do 'in the moment' some take a little time and effort to master. Some of these work for some people and not for others. I, for example, have not successfully mastered the art of meditation but there many things on this list I can do.

I found this quote the other day and I thought this has got to be one of the easiest things to do!

"When you find yourself stressed, ask yourself one question: Will this matter in 5 years from now? If yes, then do something about the situation. If no, then let it go." ~ Catherine Pulsifer 

There are many things that make for a stressful environment, only we can make ourselves stressed and therefore we are are in the best seat to reduce our stress levels. This one simple question changes your focus and your perspective. It's easy enough to ask and easy enough to answer. The tricky part is 'letting it go'. Can you do that?

If you know the answer to Catherine's question is no and you can't let it go, ask yourself what benefit you are getting from hanging on to the stress. Seems like a strange question, I know, there will be something though - attention? Maybe it keeps you focused? Maybe it helps you avoid other truths? Or maybe it's something else entirely, there is some benefit.

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“The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results, just as a small amount of fire makes a small amount of heat.” ~ Napoleon Hill

If only wanting or desiring something made it materialise, life would be so much easier! This as Napoleon Hill suggests is just the beginning, a very important beginning. Without any great desire we wont do what needs to be done or be prepared to keep moving forward when things go wrong. We wont learn from mistakes and try a different approach if we don't really have the desire to achieve. With a strong desire we become more resilient and we go looking for ways and resources to get whatever it is we want.

We all desire or want something. Maybe we think of it as a goal that is just out or reach or a dream that will never happen. In those cases it just might be that we don't really want it badly enough.

Of course there are going to be times when we really want something, we give it out best shot and we still don't get it. Maybe we need to give it more time, maybe we need to get some help or approach it differently or maybe it's just not meant to be. One thing for sure though is that you don't have a strong desire it wont happen. Along with that desire needs to be a genuine belief that you can get it or even that you deserve it. Two critical first steps in a series of steps to achievement.

Another thing I thought about is breaking down the goal to the core of what I want. For example if you want a work assignment in China but you are offered a post in Taiwan instead. Did you achieve your goal? To answer that you have to know whether your goal was to specifically be in China or whether what you wanted was an overseas experience where you could immerse yourself in a new culture with a foreign language.

You see I've learned from personal experience that sometimes I express what I want in terms I believe are reasonable to achieve or that I 'know' (e.g. I know the company work for has a big location in China). What difference does it make? Well it assumes there is only 'one way' or 'one outcome' that will give me what I want, when clearly in some cases that just isn't true at all.

Food for thought....

 

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Love it, hate it, avoid it, look for it or manage it. We all deal with conflict in different ways.Some times it even depends on the situation or who the conflict is with that has us handle it differently. Consider this from William James: “Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

That's the thing that helps us decide how we deal with conflict - the relationship and how it will be impacted. When we have a good relationship or are developing one we'll typically avoid conflict unless we believe it is strong enough to withstand some conflict.The trouble with this is that things are never perfect and conflict is always just around the corner.

Avoiding conflict is merely a temporary resolution but it does have an impact. If you avoid conflict you are probably bottling up some frustration and maybe even anger. The only one 'hurt' in this scenario is you since the other person is oblivious. Dealing with conflict is something we all have to learn how to do at some point.

How do you with conflict?

- Keep your emotions in check. This is the hardest part, when you can do this the rest is easy, it just takes practice.

- Find common ground. When things go wrong it's usually in the details. There is often something bigger that you can agree on. For example you might both agree that having a budget is financially wise. You may disagree on what's in the budget, how flexible the budget is, who manages the budget etc. So go back to the common ground - 'We both agree that a budget is a good thing' or 'We both agree we need to save $x by yy'

- Step down in the details. When you get stuck ask questions (NOT 'Why' questions - they make us defensive) to clarify and understand what the other person is wanting achieve.

- Be flexible. Is there a solution where you both get what you need (notice I didn't say want!). For example maybe you need to believe the other person is committed to budgeting and saving and maybe the other person needs to feel they have just a little control over some the choices for spending.

What do you do to manage conflict?

“The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.” ~ Carl Gustav Jung

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How is it possible to be both bored and busy at the same time?  You would think being busy means that you are working to achieve some outcome, some goal. If that is the case then it's hard to fathom being bored. Except of course if the goal is not your own or you can't buy into it, then it's just about doing things because you 'have to'.

Lou Holtz (American Football Coach) said: “If you’re bored with life – you don’t get up every morning with a burning desire to do things – you don’t have enough goals.” I think he might be on to something.

When you work for someone else you usually continue to do it because you either buy into the goals of the company or you have your own goals you want to achieve which are complimentary - a certain position in the company, a certain level of pay, learning certain skills etc. When you work for yourself it's the same you have goals you want the business to achieve and goals you personally want to achieve. So if when we get bored could it be we feel like we have achieved our goals or maybe the goals aren't challenging enough.

What happens then? Set new goals! Even when you are working for someone else you can set new and challenging goals, don't wait for the boss to do it for you. They probably feel like their goals are challenging enough and assume the same is true for you. It really is up to each of us to find a way through the boredom.

Today I am setting myself some new goals. I refuse to be bored! What will you do when you find you are bored?

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” ~ Dorothy Parker

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What's the difference between someone who is successful or forging ahead with an idea or plan and someone who accepts what they have (perhaps wishing for something else?) or is reluctant to take a chance on something new? Is it skill? Money? Networks? Lack of ideas? Maybe. Maybe some of these, maybe all of them.

Or perhaps it's something else like confidence and patience? The confidence in oneself to just go for it and the patience to stick with it when it doesn't go according to plan or as fast as you'd like it to be.

“Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.“ ~ Brian Adams

Does Brian have it right? Confidence in this context is not about ego or starting something on a whim. I'm talking about all of us who have a goal, maybe even the start of a plan. Perhaps we have even talked with or know who to talk to get a better handle on the risks and what it would take to make it work. But we haven't taken that step, that leap of faith in ourselves.

Confidence is a fickle friend. You only have to look at great sports people to see how confidence shows up for them. One minute they are on top of the world and the next they are struggling to keep up. They haven't lost their skills, they just can't find them when they need them. The self doubt creeps in and in the blink of eye, it's gone. The thing about great sports people though is that they keep coming back. They have patience and they do whatever they have to do to get back to their best.

Confidence is a state of mind. Something we can all control. We can decide to listen to our inner negative thoughts and to the 'naysayers' or we can choose to move through it by creating new positive thoughts and surrounding ourselves with people who lift us up.

“The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” ~ William James

 

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